Journal Records

10/30/09 The Rocky Horror Picture Show

2009-11-11T15:17:00.001-08:00

(Written/Typed 11/03/09)

Several things happened on Friday (the day we went to Rocky Horror) before the actual show that I've neglected to detail. I'm not really sure why I've had no desire to write. Maybe I feel that I have nothing to say. Or maybe I'm afraid that by continuing in this endeavor I'll bring myself to a place that I've almost never seen. I have never liked this place. I have, in fact, hated it ever since I learned of its existence. I'm sitting here bleeding a few sentences, paragraphs... into a box. This mechanical motion isn't displeasing. The act of remembering what happened isn't all that displeasing either, although it can be, yes. Maybe what I find so difficult in writing is that it forces my mind to conclusions or thoughts that I try so desperately to drown and silence with other actions... other people's words and forms of entertainment to numb my mind and dull my thoughts. Some of the time it even works. I'm so afraid that in writing these and more importantly in bringing these thoughts to the surface I'll become something that I want so hard not to be- the brooding and angst of a silly teenager, gasping for the words to define one's identity when such things are clearly unimportant to people of more aged maturity. What is it in me? Is it simple laziness? If it is laziness, then I really am a waste of the resources to maintain a human body. Although, I guess compared to the other humans who require the same resources to maintain their own bodies I'm about average in terms of laziness over usefulness. Now that I've rambled on this far I'll attempt to return to the original point of this.

I got home from school at the usual time- around 4:10- and at maybe 5:30 I got a text message from Linnea telling me that Nyssa and Cynthia were already over and that I should come over now. I had just started checking things off of the list that I had made to prepare for the night so I told her that as soon as my step-dad was ready I'd leave; this was a lie. He had gotten home early and mom was ready whenever I was. I hurried myself to make sure that I had everything I needed: money, cell phone, "Syrup" & "Jeniffer Government" to introduce Lee to Max Barry, "Voltaire" to return to Lee, gum, etc. Once I had everything I thought I'd need I left and told mom that we should stop so I could have more than $15 to take with me. We stopped at a Wallmart on a Friday so it, of course, was packed. We went to the electronics area at the back to pick up a phone card to give me more minutes on my phone. While she was on the other side of the display, a guy wearing a skater kind of loose hat walked up close in proximity to me; I had thought that he was going to pester or threaten me. I looked up at him to see Ethan standing there looking at me. It took me a moment to register who he was and then I probably smiled and he said "What's up!" or "Hey!" or something to that effect; I was still shocked to see him and don't remember what he said exactly. He went on to say "Man... I should've known you shopped here, because everyone shops here". We talked for a minute. I asked him how he was and what he was up to and he said that he was good at Cherokee, but it being Cherokee, it still sucked. I told him that I was living in Woodstock now and going to Sequoyah with Cynthia (which I think I'd already told him but no matter). I told him that I was actually on my way to Lee's. I told him that it was really good to see him. He said that it's good that me and her keep in touch, and that I should "hit me up on Myspace IM some time". He walked away after we said goodbye and he went to go check out something a little farther away in the electronics department. It really was good to see him. It will sound strange and I guess it is, but seeing him was the best possible thing that could've happened that day. It was a prelude to Rocky Horror and it put me into one of my "funny" moods; I'm referring to times when I'm happy and estranged to the presentations of reality and reason- times when I'm funniest to other people; this translated well into a fitting personality for me to wear to Linnea's when meeting Nyssa and seeing Lee after it being at least a month since seeing her. We talk on the phone much more frequently now. I think she really missed me- more than I think. That last sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'm sure I'll be able to understand my intent to its meaning when I read this.

*We greeted eachother with an awkward but still familiar kind of way. We clasped hands, grasped, and patted eachother on the back in a half embrace. Really it was me that decided the nature of this. He went with the movements. We've done this to eachother in the past, but this was something different entirely. Like two strangers reacquainting themselves with the other; this is exactly what this was.

So we left Wallmart and I told my mom repeatedly that it was so strange and magnificent to see Ethan there. I really missed him. As is usually the case, I'm so worried for him. Even if it doesn't change much of anything, it was great to run into him in person and see that he was still "ticking" so to speak. So we drove to Lee's apartments. The gate was open when we got to it, a strange but wonderful "little thing" that added to my elation. I had a quick talk with mom in the car to reassure her. I considered the possibility of what I should say in the unlikely event that the conversation we were having in the car would be our last. I told her that I loved her to prepare for this unlikely and ,obviously now, nonoccurence.

I walked up the stairs and for a moment thought that I was at the wrong building, but when I saw the spray paint marks in the shape of a square on the second flight I could reaffirm my assumption that I was in the right place. I knocked on the door a few times, pausing between knocking sequences and after waiting maybe half a minute Linnea's mom opened it. She invited me in and told me that they were in the living room. I walked inside and turned to say "hi" to them. I saw Linnea, a girl with black and some blond hair, and Cynthia all sitting on the couch watching Sailor Moon. I walked over to the chair that is by Linnea's mom's bedroom door. It took a few minutes of silence for me to find a way into their conversation. Within maybe 10 minutes I'd sized Nyssa up and made her laugh. It took a few minutes of opening remarks to find a way to translate my strange sense of humor, but we got along very well after that. After a while of talking and sitting in silence in the chair opposite them, isolated somewhat, Lee's mom announced that dinner was ready. I hadn't been expecting to eat and especially not so soon so after being the first one into the kitchen, I told Cynthia to go ahead of me since I had no idea what we were eating. I got a small portion to eat which was surprisingly only slightly smaller than what Cynthia and Linnea got. When Lee's mom asked us to get more and pressed my about my small portion I honestly told her that "I'm being cautious" which created laughter. She pressed about the caution and I told her that I'm always cautious. I wasn't intending to make such a true statement but it's entirely true and the words found their way into my throat, to my tongue, and out through my mouth. I was actually very surprised at how well dinner went. I made jokes that forced everybody, even Lee's mom at a few points to stop eating in order to regain composure and continue. I made one joke when talking to Lee's mom that I'm especially proud of. Linnea and Cynthia were laughing hysterically and talking and she (Lee's mom) said "You know I work in Special Ed. Well now you know why"; she was mostly kidding. I responded by saying (in my usual tone for innocence) "I didn't realize you brought your work home with you". This comment killed. Linnea and Cynthia were dying at this point and it took them a full minute to stop laughing; I was very proud of myself. There was plenty of humor throughout our dinner conversation, but detailing that every time I discuss my friends would take hours. Maybe such a thing isn't meant to be fully understood. Recording it all would only make a reader, attempting to reconstruct such an occasion, wonder how such strange randomness is funny or beautiful. You simply had to have been there to experience it.

It must've been around 7:30 and we discovered that we had a full 2 hours before we had to leave. The girls decided to go try on their outfits which left me sitting down on the couch, victorious from a previous battle for couch ownership, the rights of victory for which had been relinquished when Lee and Nyssa went to get ready. I was so bored and alone that I ended up pulling out my ipod and listening to Beck. Lee came out some time later wearing the shortest dress I've ever seen her wear. It was strange to think that she'd be going to Atlanta like that. She was compelled to put in a movie to entertain me while I waited on them. I told her that it was fine. She went back to check on the others and apparently had told me that it was cool to go back into the bedroom; I had thought that she HAD said this, but because I didn't want to create an awkward situation by "hearing" something that she didn't actually say, I stayed on the couch. After both Cynthia and Nyssa coming out at random times to pace and make a route from the hallway to the balcony and back I was greeted by Linnea. Her and Nyssa wrestled with me over couch room, as is the ongoing joke that I'm possessive of the couch and claim it as my own. Nyssa went back to the bedroom. Lee told me that I should come to the bedroom, and I asked her if it was safe. She said yes and added that she had said it earlier. I jokingly asked her "So I've just been out here brooding in the living room?" And she replied, seeing the joke "Yes".

We went to her room to hang out. Nyssa was dressed as Alice from Alice in Wonderland- a funny coincidence that April had worn the same outfit for her Halloween plans. During the time in the bedroom, we made jokes. Cynthia was still in the bathroom, doors closed, getting ready. We were all sitting on the bed and amidst jokes Linnea commented that I was living out every guys fantasy, surrounded by 2 women in a bedroom. She was joking, of course, but it was a tempting kind of sting that she could've intended; I do not mean to say that I took it maliciously, but I found it to be an interesting comment to make since I happened to be thinking the same thing.

Later on, still in the bedroom, Nyssa and I were checking out Lee's closet. She told me that cello was better than violin, after I had commented about wanting to "totally steal that violin" although I might've mistakenly said viola. I told her that I actually played cello and it sparked a conversation about how we were both, apparently, cellists without teachers because of our attendance at Teasley and Cherokee. (I asked her if she'd gone to Teasley and she confirmed that she had, just as I did. This is how I confirmed the last sentence prior to this parenthetical annotation.) I asked her if, while at Teasley, she had heard of an "atheist kid". She said yes and I told said "yeah that was me". Funny how she was ostracized for being gay and I for being a nonbeliever. I mention this here, because this was the thought that ran through my head while I was talking to Nyssa. I was comparing us and seeing many a similarity that made me regret her lesbianism; I begun later to wonder how devout or 'true' a lesbian she was- poor word choice, I know, but I won't edit it because that would end this flow of words.

Once Cynthia was 'ready' Lee and Nyssa examined her. Lee suggested another of her own dresses if Cynthia felt discontented by the pants she was wearing. Cynthia tried on the dress, which was actually quite 'whoreish' to use the word Cynthia herself used; it was the kind of dress that had to kind of cradles that were meant to hold the breasts separately. Cynthia was obviously self-conscious but still liked the dress. It was red and matched with her strange but funny (I use this string of words a lot, I realize) choice to go as a lazybug, which really meant going wearing red and black. I think she went with both the dress and pants, disregarding only her original choice for a top.

Once that was decided we were ready to leave. So we left and the girls took their high heels off on the stairs. I nudged past them, more for the character that I play than for impatience. I nearly slipped on the water or ice that was on the cement on the base level of the building so I warned them about how slippery it was at the bottom. We got in the car, drove off down the street, then Lee's mom realized that she had left her money in the apartment. She drove back and went inside to get it. We sat in the car to get it. As she was about to walk up the stairs, Cynthia yelled to ask her to also get her puffy neck thing; I don't know the name for it offhand but people wore them in the Victorian age. They look a bit like accordions if you were to cut off the ends and staple the bulk of the accordion into a circular shape. It took Lee's mom a while but she came back with the money and we were off.

While we were in the car, Nyssa sang and danced, periodically joined by Cynthia and Linnea. I asked where we were going since we had so much time left before the show was set to start. Lee told me that we were going to Lisa's. Lisa is a middle-aged woman who is good friends with both Lee and her mom. Originally though, when I asked Lee where we were going, I erroneously thought she was saying "Elise's house" not "Lisa's house". So on the drive to Lisa's, I was picturing an awkward scenario wherein Elise invited us all into her house to hang out for a while. Both luckily and unluckily, more people from my past were not brought back to me that night. I do miss Elise. I miss what we had. I miss her defiance in the face of reason. It gave me something to argue, not argue in a resentful way but in a loving one. She's moving soon, if she hasn't already. Lee will probably let me know as soon as she does. Apparently Pattie (her Cinderella story-esque step-mom) is making her life in Georgia intolerable so Elise has decided to go live with her mom and step-dad. I wish I could talk to her. I've had maybe 4 conversations with her since we broke up and all were of less length than I would've liked. I worry about her more than many others, because of the fragment of information she told me, her life is similar in a way to Tara's. I wanted so much to be someone she could count on, but it turned out that she couldn't be someone I could count on in the same way. I won't forget Elise. I can never forget such a person as her. She was everything I thought I wanted and some things that I didn't think I wanted, but always there was more to learn. I'll leave my digression of her at that, rather than digress further by discussing her drug use and boyfriends at length.

So we got to Lisa's house. On the journey we mostly discussed music and shitty band that they knew of and a few good ones. They blasted the radio on the way and I contemplated the possible repercussions of blasting a radio in a car late at night in a lower class hood. While writing this I realize what an unhealthy mind I have. I blame my mom for it, although not entirely. Both of my parents are famed in my mind as paranoid delusionists; according to dictionary.com such a word does not exist in the English language. While I agree that such a word does not exist, I think it should for situations and people such as in this situation and with these people (my mom and Mark).

We continued most of the drive to Atlanta with more singing and city lights to complement me. The lights were beautiful as they always are. I was silent after the first third or so of the drive. Lee and Lisa were catching up in the front of the car and Lee's mom was laying in the back of Lisa's car since there wasn't enough space for all of us. I realized, as we were riding in the car, that Lisa's humor will never and probably has never included any kind of explicit language or imagery. So naturally my sense of humor was in direct conflict with her. I suppressed my newest of compulsions throughout the drive in order to avoid another awkward situation.

When we arrived at the Plaza Theater, we all got out of the car to the sight of a homeless man sleeping in a small inlet to doorway of a small store on the strip. Another homeless man was walking through the crowd of a line that protruded just outside of the Plaza entrance. Lee, myself, Cynthia, Nyssa, and Cynthia's mom stood on the sidewalk discussing what we were going to do since the movie was rated R. I didn't realize until then that we were apparently supposed to have known about this ahead of time. Lee's mom asked us our ages and I was the only one among them who was actually of age to see the movie, but I didn't bring any kind of ID to prove that I was 17. Lee's mom asked who of us would stay behind while she bought the tickets; I took this to mean that she would buy tickets for everybody and then one of use would go outside with 2 tickets and bring that person back with us, each with a ticket in hand. What she really meant, and what happened, is that one of us would stay with Lisa while the rest went to buy tickets then she would hand the person who waited the ticket and we, without Lisa or Lee's mom, would go inside. I was about to volunteer when Linnea did a little enthusiastically. I asked her if I was sure, really implying that I would if she didn't want to, but she said it was fine. Her and Lisa seemed to get along well so that was fine. Once we had our tickets and Linnea had hers, Lee's mom briefly talked to us all. She told Lee not to go anywhere else afterward and to call her whenever it got out.

So me, Lee, Cynthia, and Nyssa walked a short distance on the sidewalk to join the line extending outside of the entrance to the Plaza. We waited there a long time. Nyssa, Cynthia, and Lee mostly talked among themselves; the rest of the night went on like this. I became a sort of background that was only occasionally noticed as existing in a physical form. I was wearing the Mad Hatter hat that Lee had jokingly offered me to wear. I wore it. It's actually a very cool hat, and I only had slight misapprehensions about publicly wearing it. I didn't want to be seen as some 'emo' kid wearing a hat, brooding silently over his self-centered depression. This is how I thought people must view me, but really I was probably just as much of a background to the rest of them. Some guy about my height said roughly that I was wearing a cool hat. I don't know now whether it was the same homeless guy that had asked us for money and later on for cigarettes.

The guy that I had been expecting began to walk through the line again asking for virgins. He was wearing red lipstick and no shirt. I didn't mind him at all and would've probably been comfortable with agreeing to the tradition if it hadn't been for my own self-consciousness. My real reason for not agreeing to admit to being a Rocky Horror 'virgin' and receiving the traditional kiss and "V" on the forehead in red lipstick is my face. It is no secret that my face is broken out constantly in some state of disorder or another. I hate it. I despise it. I despise the gift of sight which allows other people to gaze and gape at my form of personal disfigurement. As stupid or as reasonable or whatever it may seem sounds, I didn't want to be kissed on a blemished cheek or have to lift up my hair to reveal a cracked, pimpled forehead to my friends and a mass of spectators. I didn't want the V to have such a background and to reveal it there wasn't something I wanted so I declined to telling the man that I was also a Rocky Horror virgin. Cynthia asked me "Why didn't you just tell him?" And I replied "Because I'm a scrooge". It was the last real bit of participation I was allowed or took in the group conversation that night.

Once it was about 11:55 the line began to move. Once it had moved a bit we were just inside the door and I saw that the right all of the long hallway of the Plaza was covered with movie posters. They had posters of every good movie and a lot of movies I know only by name plastered over each other. We got inside and picked some seats off to the left side of the theater. However, there was some kind of screen or wall or large table that partially obstructed our view so we decided to move back a couple of rows. I led the group since I had been at the back of our line when sitting down. I walked a bit until I could look back and determine that it was suitable and we sat back down.

The theater was soon filled with people until it was literally filled. The manager of the Rocky Horror show announced that it was the biggest show they'd ever done, and that it was so packed that they were actually forced to turn some people away. They did a raffle and had a few of the employees/actresses go around and sell snacks at this time. They weren't selling anything particularly great- large pixie sticks and Pocky. Nyssa bought some Pocky so I decided that I might as well with an extra $40 from mom and what would no doubt eventually be an empty stomach. I raised my hand into the air, money in it, and a blond girl soon turned around and came up to my row. I tried to hand her the dollar and buy a box of Pocky but she told me the price was $3. I had heard the manager announce not more than 5 minutes before that the price was "$1 for a snack", but in my confusion and hurried feeling I acquiesced. In short, the bitch scammed me. Nyssa had paid a dollar for her, but apparently the regular prices of the theater did not apply to the long haired teenager (myself).

I opened up the box of Pocky to find that they were all melted together and impossible to eat as Pocky should be eaten. I was planning to offer some to the others if such a thing presented itself but that was an impossibility after seeing how shitty the theater's Pocky was. The actors and actresses were looking for 2 volunteers to participate in a pre-show event. They took balloons and were to "use the power of the pelvic thrust" to pop the balloons against the 2 cast members who were each of the same sex as the participant. The show was about to get underway. The manager announced that they were running late.

Before they were ready to start, the tall black guy with long hair who had been outside with the rest of the line talking to people and ostensibly gay in a humorous way -I say this to avoid using the term 'flaming'- stood up on the stage and told some guy to "get up here bitch". I assumed, since they had just done an audience participation type of thing, that this was another kind of audience-involved game. It wasn't. The tall black guy who was playing the lead role of the show, Dr. Frank N. Furter, quieted the audience by sayiny something along the lines of "Hey you guys I want you to meet someone. This is Justin... and he is my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for a long time and..." he went on but the rest of what he said is fragmented to me both because of the loudness of the crowd and because of my puzzlement as to what was going on. In a moment the man speaking was saying "...and i need to ask him something" or something of that general meaning. He then quickly dropped to one knee and then spoke directly but still clearly to his boyfriend. He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small box (at this point I thought this could be a part of the show, but of course it wasn't) and opened it and said, "You have been there for me through the good times and you've helped me get through some of the worst times of my life. We've been dating for over a year and I need you in my life. I can't imagine a world without you in it..." -that's not verbatim, of course, because i was not focused so much on what he was saying as the sheer surprise of it all.

My mind was saying "Really?! That's fucking awesome!" (and then) "awwww". Then Justin took a long pause and finally said yes. During the pause, many of the people in the crowd were shouting "say it!", and I thought they were rude for doing so. I must admit that the length of the pause made me think that Justin was going to reject the proposal by saying no. After he said yes, however, he and the other who's name I now can't remember (damn i'll have to ask Lee if she remembers his name) began to make out on stage. It was a strange feeling of awkwardness, happiness, and delight that such a beautiful thing existed, as I imagine most witnesses to proposals feel. When the crowd started clapping, I joined them in clapping and held back a tearful kind of cheer. It's certainly something worth remember, and probably the one possible occurrence that I hadn't somehow subconsciously planned for. Nyssa, next to me, was crying a bit. I made quick comments to her throughout the movie when we were performing our strange and crazy participation in the show.

The movie started. The first thing we saw was a preview for the movie Repo! The Genetic Opera, and it had completely overshadowed the rest of the show for me. The preview had this epic kind of air about it, and my curiosity of the movie was constant throughout watching Rocky Horror. When the characters started singing, the cast yelled for people to stand up and they told us what to do. It involved dancing at first, then waving our hands in the air, and then we were to pull out the newspapers that they had given us as some of the crew walked through the aisles squirting at will from their spray bottles. We had all given our newspaper copies to Cynthia since, when we had been given the newspaper, we all assumed that it was some kind of thing that the theater did and not something to be used during the show. I remember several months to a year back to a conversation I had with Linnea and Leora [i think] where they discussed The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I remember her (Linnea) saying that you definitely wanted to hang onto your newspaper. But when they handed us the newspapers, we were in the line with Lee's mom buying the tickets while she waited outside; we had no way of hearing her newspaper wisdom.

Later in the show, after the initial burst of audience participation was out of the way, I noticed at that point that the crew's job was mainly to run to get shit for the cast and to make jokes at whatever happened to be going on in the theater. At several points guys from the crew would be told to "fuck that vag" and they would run up onto the stage, taking their hands into an upside V, and ram the shadow that it cast on the screen in and out of Susan Surandon's giant screen pussy or the government man's ass chin; this was one of my favorite things during the performance. They then had everyone stand up. They asked the audience how many times they'd been to Rocky Horror, starting at having people who had seen it 100+ times sit down and slowly reducing the number to 1. Then they had everyone still standing, including myself of course, recite the Rocky Horror virgin oath. They told us to "assume the position" which meant holding a hand in the air and grabbing our balls or tit with the other hand. I did as I was told at the Rocky Horror Picture Show, although softly and not ostentatiously so it wouldn't be too awkward for my friends who might not be grabbing their tits as they took the oath. I'll really have to google the oath itself because it was really quite fun.

My favorite part in the show came unexpectedly and was just fucking fantastic to me. The narrator, who I previously referred to as the "government man with the ass chin", although if he's not the guy that's also in the wheelchair then i'm referring to the wrong character. You won't know what I'm saying unless you've seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Anyway, the guy sitting in his chair was singing and pulled up his pant leg to reveal that he too was wearing the outfit that the rest of the characters were wearing and that he was actually one of them but had until then kept it a secret. This was really the funniest and highest point in the movie to me. It seemed liberating, albeit not for myself. I had previously toyed with the notion that I'm gay but I've concluded that this isn't the case. I think it would be easier if I were, if only to get my problem of liking my friends who happen to be girls out of the way. But sadly this is not the case. It was liberating because of the free nature of it all. Seeing every member of the audience and their strangeness being so freely and easily displayed to everyone else... so beautiful to see such people. It reminds me in a way of the first pep rally that I did not attend at Sequoyah, when I entered the cafeteria to find the people that I had thought lost to this state, and then declaring them as "my people".

The show ended and we left almost immediately. This is a good thing, because had we delayed, there would've been a mass of people mashing together towards the exit without any space as opposed to there being a mass of people masking together towards the exit with some space in between them. We walked outside and walked on the sidewalk a small distance until we were in front of an office supply store adjacent to the plaza, on the strip. The homeless men that we had seen were still about. The one that we had seen sleeping in the inlet to the store was exactly where he had been. The black guy wearing a green jacket was again wandering through the crowd, although now he was looking to bum a cigarette from one of the mass that was now smoking and talking. I looked over to see Nyssa pulling out 2 or 3 cigarettes and light 1 up for herself and another 1 or 2 for Cynthia and Linnea. They suggested that I move to the other side of where we were standing so I wouldn't have the smoke and ash blowing directly into my face. A few minutes after I moved Nyssa expressed that the wind had changed directions. Linnea asked me or rather stated that I disapproved. I was irate. Cynthia had quit smoking and so, I thought, had Linnea, but here they both were smoking IN FRONT OF ME. I had liked Nyssa very much until I saw this. I replied to Linnea with one word, spoken with my comedic kind of emphasis, "Obviously". The next time she calls, I really hope she brings it up. I hope we talk about everything that happened for hours on end. I want her to explain to me how none of what happened seemed to faze any of them, aside from the homeless guy asking for change and a cigarette. Linnea was done with her cigarette quickly, or else had given it to Cynthia after taking a few puffs. I remember her saying "You know what... we're in Atlanta. My mom's not here. This blows *takes cigarette and lights it*". Nyssa had made another comment during our hour on the sidewalk. After she had told me that I was getting the front of the smoke and I moved she said "I don't want you to get cancer from second hand smoke". I lost all of the respect and interest I had in her after I'd watched her give two of my best friends cigarettes, make such a dumbass remark, and then on the way home talk about how her last boyfriend was an asshole and how she was now a "lesbian". I promise you it won't last. She'll be back to dick within the year or I'll be a transsexual.*

*That's my way of saying she's not a lesbian, in case you missed that.

So we stood out there for an hour in Atlanta from 2:30 AM when the show let out until 3:30 or so. We discussed the possibility of getting robbed, but I didn't think it was much of a possibility. There was still a small crowd by the Plaza and the diner just on the other side of the sidewalk had a long enough line that the people outside blotted out any view of the actual entrance; the line into the diner didn't dissipate throughout the hour that we waited for Lee's mom.

Linnea's mom and Lisa finally showed up and we all got in the van- tired and drained and me still full of ire. I didn't let this anger show, or at least I don't think I did. The last thing I'd ever want to do is become the manifestation of what is expected of me. If you see me as a depressing or annoying little 'emo kid' then I'll endeavor to break that misconception as quickly as I can and keep it broken. No fucking subculture of idiots gets a hairstyle, mmkay? I'm fucking sick of receiving that judgment so I'm ranting about it here in this little box of nothing.

On the drive home we talked a bit, but once we were out of Lisa's car and back in Lee's mom's car with her driving Lee and Nyssa went to sleep. Nyssa used me to cuddle with and at one point Lee's nose stuck to my arm. I didn't mind it, but I kept fearing that they'd wake up from my boniness or a sudden fall. Lee's mom asked me where I lived and I froze. I was under the impression that I would be crashing at Lee's that morning since no sane person would drive a bunch of kids home at that hour. She did though. So we drove around with the instructions I gave and made it almost all the way, but a mere half a mile away from the street that would take us to my house, I lost faith in my own direction and submitted to just being taken back to Lee's. I was so embarrassed and felt immense guilt for having wasted their time looking for my house. Luckily, only Cynthia, Lee's mom, and myself were awake for this. Nyssa was dropped off and I got to see Shannon's house which was on the same street not far away from Nyssa's house. Cynthia said "Bye Shannon's house" as we rode away. We got back to Lee's and went upstairs. Lee and Cynthia went directly to Lee's room to go to sleep. I went to the living room in my shame and embarrassment. Lee's mom brought me blankets and a pillow. I talked to her for a minute saying "I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that I'd be wasting your time and not know how to get home" I then talked about how I knew she'd asked about gas money and I was going to pay her double the amount for the wasted gas that was spent driving into Woodstock. I decided against using additional money to somehow excuse myself from the incident so I pulled out a $5 bill and she told me to just put it on the counter. She said very sincerely "It's alright Nick". That was enough for me to sleep a bit more peacefully, but I still woke up at 10, just 4 hours after going to sleep. I stayed up for 2 hours mostly in silence just sitting there with my thoughts.

Linnea's mom woke up around 12 and asked me if i liked eggs and bacon. I said yes and she began cooking. Around 1 Lee's mom woke Cynthia and Linnea up. They were a little reluctant to wake up, which isn't so surprising since it rained for an hour or two while they slept through it. While Lee's mom was cooking, she got a call and immediately left to go take care of something. She was in a hurry and we were all perplexed as to what had happened. We spent the next few hours watching Monster's Inc., hanging out in the kitchen while not really doing much more than watching one of the three of us (either Lee or Cynthia since I don't really know how to cook) cook the bacon that Lee's mom had left on the stove. Lee and Cynthia both showered. It was awkward, my being there. I called my step-dad three times, asking if mom was home yet. She was supposed to be out grocery shopping, but apparently, she never even went grocery shopping but instead was just 'out'. I got a call from Ken 2 telling me that he was on his way. I made a note that I didn't have very long before I had to go. When it was about time, I got my shoes on and walked to Lee's bedroom where Linnea and Cynthia were. I was an interloper at this point and leaving didn't come a second too early. I told them that I had to go. Cynthia waved and said "bye". Lee walked towards me just a step and I walked a little more towards her to invite a hug. We put one arm around eachother and I whispered "I had a good time"; this was an intimate thing for me to do and I think she sensed it. Then I left. At about 2:35 I was in the familiar parking lot waiting to see the all too familiar black Vue. Eventually, I saw it. I saw my step-dad. I got in. And I went home.

09/01/09

2009-09-10T21:03:00.000-07:00

-It's 8:26 and I'm siting in Algebra 2. As I said previously, I stayed up until just after 3 in the morning to redo my Business Law project & masturbate. Afterwards, I sat in my room & cried. I suppose the culmination of school pressures, Le's possible move, the future, and missing my brother were the causes of this. I got just over 3 1/2 hours of sleep and I find my eyes this morning to be noticeably half-open.
-I just took a Chemistry test. I think it will probably be a B. This is mainly due to my inability to not care what other people think.
-Progress reports go home today. I'm very nervous about this. Although, to be honest, I was most worried about my Chemistry grade; I just received this back and it is an 82%. While this is not the grade I want, it's not an F. I'm hoping that this will be satisfactory to my parents.

08/31/09

2009-09-10T19:12:00.000-07:00

-At school, still need to take care of Business Law & see Cynthia before 8:15. It's now 8:04.
-I spent 8:04-8:12 sitting at a random table; unbeknownst to me, the other people at the table were rednecks. I listened to them discuss the talent show that one of them was participating in; he said he was going to do a song playing a banjo while wearing an Obama mask. They then discussed how they wanted to beat up gay people, then how they found it funny to picture themselves beating up a gay person while the other one played a banjo. I find these people who are absent of thought to be repulsive.
-At 8:12, I walked over to the exit by the kitchen. There, I encountered Cynthia. I briefly told her about how on Friday I had gone to the cafeteria during the pep rally and how it was filled with a horde of goth people. I then successfully told her that I wouldn't be at lunch today, because I had to redo my Business Law Presentation.
-I woke up at 5 in the morning. I got up. I was surprisingly awake; I was struggling to get out of my blanket to quickly turn off that incessant alarm clock, and by the time I had flung the blanket onto the ground and successfully wandered to the clock I was awake. I then decided to go to the kitchen; there, I made some black tea so I could wake up with an alternative to a soft drink. I attempted to work on my presentation on the 12th amendment with minimal success; my greatest success was realizing that the 12th amendment did not cause the inception of the Electoral College; this was absolutely disastrous to my report. I was planning, from that false assumption, to talk about how the amendment was clearly an ironic case of a "bad" amendment and I wanted to tie this to how we should base presidential elections on popular vote results rather than a system that I can only describe as a strange distortion of a bell curve applied to government. I also planned to tie in the controversial results of the 2000 election. Of course, everything I wrote will now have to be rewritten. I'm surprisingly unfazed by this unfortunate, subtle-but-fatal flaw that my fact checking failed to ~~see~~ find.
-Solved the science test problem with Meeks. She gave me my test & scantron to "go over". After asking her what to do, and pointing out that the questions that the scantron marked wrong are clearly right, she told me to circle the ones that I wanted her to look at. The scantron marked 14 wrong and 11 right. I circled 13 of the 14, feeling that circling all 14 would give a bad impression. At the end of the class period, Ms. Meeks came up to me & told me that she would take care of the test problem today. This was more than satisfying as Ms. Meek's ~~attitude~~ tone had softened and sounded like that of an actual teacher for the first time since I'd began her class.
-I'm in lunch. I'm confident that I did well on the U.S. History quiz. Mr. Maxwell seemed to show me favor as well, by asking me to take 2 detention slips to 2203. I'm worried that this favor from teachers will lead to a relapse in my particular treatment from the students.
-I had my first negative encounter with a student today. After talking to Ms. Meeks who was sitting at a table at the front of the room, I started to walk back toward my desk; as I did so, some guy in the second row, sitting on the far left shoved his hand and cellphone at my hand and facetiously asked me if I wanted a phone. I shook my hand away and kept walking towards my desk.
-A little later in Chemistry, the same guy from earlier walked by me since I was at my table and, as he did so, said sarcastically "That's a great book". When he walked back towards his desk, he passed me again; he, I think purposely, ran his hand into me and kept walking. Later in the class, I heard him and his friends saying over and over again things involving the word "gay". Whether this was related to me or not, I don't know. They laughed throughout their conversation until the bell rang.
-Tried to go to the library before lunch, and had computer. I was unable to access my email and concluded that it was pointless to continue. I left and came here to the cafeteria.
-Mr. Johnson, in Business Law, was okay with me waiting until tomorrow to present.
-I'm on the bus, and just before we left Sequoyah, someone who could've been a freshman was either crying or bleeding or both; this was most noticeable from just under his left eye. It appeared that a group of mainly black students, close to the trailers, were in some way involved. A teacher was yelling "get me an administrator" and he promptly began talking to the supposed freshman.
-I neglected to detail Friday's events so I'll do so now. We were on pep rally schedule on Friday so the entire day, people were energetic and carefree. It was a nice change from the usual classroom morale. The Cherokee-Sequoyah game that was to happen that night was the cause. After 7th period, during which time I talked to Hannah, (Aside from Pedro, she seems to be the only one in my French class who doesn't apparently consider conversing with me to be an awkward chore.) I entered the cafeteria and turned left into the corner area where the round tables were. I waited for other possible arrivals since, at lunch, we had stated that we'd find each other in the lunch room; Jackie found me at the table. After a minute, it became obvious to me that she wanted to move to the other side of the cafeteria and wanted me to go with her. On the other side of the cafeteria, I saw a horde of people, most of whom were wearing black, and they all seemed to be weird in some way. Once me and Jackie had found our way over there, I declared that I had found my people, & I asked Jackie where these people had been hiding. I met her friend, who she had earlier pointed out as Genesis, as well as being introduced to a table of people she (Jackie) knew. Friday was an excellent preview of what, I hope, will soon be a large number of my friends. During the hour in the cafeteria, I made jokes, talked, and thought to myself how simple and really easy it had just become to find prospective girlfriends. Also, I unintentionally put my stuff down right next to Jessica. Seeing her, and by sheer accident sitting next to her, was very pleasing. Sequoyah has changed her a bit, I think. She acted very hyper and odder than I had seen her, so I jokingly asked her friend what she had given Jessica to which she replied "everything". I sarcastically told her that I didn't need to know what her nighttime activities with Jessica were, but simply what she had given her. They laughed. Jessica said she was very tired so I suggested she ger more sleep. Sequoyah may have changed her a bit, but that's one thing about Jessica that I think will never change. I left to go to the buses, feeling that I had left a very good impression on those I talked to. Walking into the hallway, Genesis said "Bye, Nick" to me, which I quickly returned with a "Bye". Then, looking for my bus (I didn't realize at the time that we had a different bus number while something was being done with our bus), I saw Jackie talking to somebody and I snuck by unnoticed, then I saw Genesis and she said "Bye, Nick" to which I, again, replied. I felt light-hearted and, while not quite myself and not quite among people of intelligence that I would find comfortable, more at home than I have since moving to Woodstock. Linnea's talking about moving now, because her mom and her have "no money". This conversation left a bad taste in my mouth and I find myself dwelling on Linnea before I go to sleep. I honestly don't know what I'll do if she moves away. As I write this, my eyes are tearing up and I can feel a disquieting pain in my gut.
-Linnea won't move away from me. She can't. -Ambian
-While on the phone with Linnea, I found out that, apparently, Elise does drugs. The number of people in my life that I can truly respect is thinning even further..
-It's 2:45 A.M. & I've just finished redoing my Business Law project.

Dream- Colored Sky

2009-09-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

I was woken up at 8:11 P.M. from the sound of my phone ringing. I had slept for maybe 2 hours.
In my dream, I was at Sequoyah high school, but the school had been expanded and was different. I was in a classroom that looked similar to one you might see at Webb Bridge Middle school. Ms. Selden was explaining some French verbs to me and this strange rule that I didn't understand and which doesn't really exist in the French language. After having her explain it, she looked at her watched and told me it was 1:13. I asked her if I should go back to the classroom and explain what she had just told me and instructed me to do that night to the other students; this, she told me, is what she intended for me to do but there was no time because i knew the bell was about to ring for us to leave school.
The other students were supposed to do the assignment but I hadn't explained the lesson to them, although I was a student myself. After I got my stuff, I remember walking down a hallway and then I was in a hallway which had desks and students in desks filling its width so that it was difficult to get around them and get to the double doors that were used to exit the school (this part of my dream, I'm sure, was me walking at the end of the 300 hall where the double doors lead directly out to the 500 hall. I didn't realize this correlation until just now, while typing this out.
The next thing I remember is walking outside with my binder, I think, and I saw the sky. The sky was hard to determine at first but it felt like one of those days where the sky is stormy and it puts everyone in a foul or strange mood, but it leaves you with this strange and wonderful sense of peace and awe- all of this just from looking at a sky. The sky, I then noticed, was light purple, contained reddish hues, and had a deep light grayish purple in it. I was running, off-path, in the grass and down a small hill by the sidewalk where I saw Nora. I asked her if she could see the sky as well and if I was crazy- this, I asked jokingly because i knew that the sky was really there and that I wasn't crazy. It seemed to look a lot like it had been painted- similar to the example piece that I was drawing in oil pastels for Ms. Colbertson's art class.
Then something strange happened. The sky suddenly had flares in it. The flares were streaking across the sky and coming together in the same fashion that storm clouds come together, but, as they did so, the flares broke apart streaking their colors across the sky like bombs or fireworks would do. Although, it should be noted that the flares didn't resemble fireworks at all, aside from possible the color. I was standing there looking at the sky and I knew, while watching this, that I should look at it carefully and memorize every perfect little detail. The sky looked like it was being bombed but at the same time it was merely being filled with variations of color and it was completely normal. I seemed to be the only one to notice the sky in this dream. When I asked Cynthia she, I think, said something that she would normally say like "Duh.." then she kept walking. (This comment by Cynthia is something I only vaguely remember so it may or may not have actually occurred in the dream.)
After I woke up, I suddenly felt that there is a strong connection to the dream that gave me the idea for "An Hour in a Dreamland". In both of these dreams school had just ended and I was going somewhere when it did so and in both cases I walked through hallways that were strange; in both dreams I ended up outside, gazing at the sky while others walked by or did not notice it.

08/21/09

2009-09-01T21:15:00.000-07:00

(Separate Sheet of Paper)
-I left my notebook in French!This is a large problem. I'm hoping Ms. Selden notices its presence and is courteous enough to pick it up before someone else does. I, being in a hurry and it being Friday, did not care to check to make sure it was in my binder before I left. I think it's under the desk. I may email Ms.Selden this weekend to see if it is in her possession or not.
-Today, also in French, Ms. Selden sat down in this desk that is off to the side of the classroom. (Diagram included on the paper)
...She asked me to teach the class when and why we drop or add vowels/accents when dealing with the 'vous' form for "voyager" and for "commencer". After a bit of resistance [from me], I got up and did it; most of it was nonverbal [on my part]. Most of the class wasn't paying attention. My teaching was horrid, but I did what she asked. I hope she never asks me to do that again!
-Not much of real interest occurred today. It looks like it might rain later.
-Mattie's back from California for the weekend. Cynthia, today at lunch, said that Mattie would be at Linnea's and would e staying, probably, through the weekend.
-I've been craving this weekend so I can have social contact. I do get this at school, but I'm looking for a different kind of social contact. I find myself suddenly very aware that I haven't had a girlfriend in a year. Perhaps this is just the cynical nature of my ~~emotions~~ wants. It seems to happen every year; about a month before my birthday [this happens]. I got A's on all of the papers I received from Ms. Wills today. I also got 104% on my U.S. History quiz.

08/24/09

2009-09-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

-Friday, in 7th period, I left this notebook in Ms. Selden's room. I was relieved to find it back there today. An update from Friday is written on a piece of notebook paper & will, shortly, be posted on the archive blog.
-I haven't returned to the library yet, since seeing Jessica. Tomorrow, I planned to go to the library to pay my library fine for "Atlas Shrugged". I've decided, however, to go to Ms. Meeks's room at 8:00 instead so that I can see if there was an error when grading my chapter 1 test. If there's time afterwords, I'll go by the library to pay the fine and renew "Atlas Shrugged".
-While talking to Hannah, the girl in my French 3 class, she told me that she was tired, because she went to bed at 6:00 A.M. and woke up at 6:15 A.M. She said she couldn't sleep, because she was in pain. After asking why this was, and her silence, I asked if she'd been "out" all night and she replied by confirming this. I'm not entirely sure why, but this upset me, although I showed no such signs of this.
-I took a test in U.S. History today, and I realized that Mr. Maxwell didn't call my name out when announcing people's bonus point amounts. I'll have to participate more to remedy this.
-Ms. Wills had us start our "school uniforms" essay today. I'm always such a perfectionist when it comes to writing, so, hopefully, I'll get it done and be at least partially satisfied with the result.
-Bancroft handed back our tests. I received a 95%.
-Cynthia was exhausted after walking around with Lee all day at Amacalola Falls. I did a fair bit of talking.
-Tonight, I'll work on the Lit. essay, motivational posters for Business Law, and the Word List. (Still have yet to start transferring the words from the 2 notebooks onto the electronic main copy.

08/21/09

2009-09-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

-I've just arrived at school. I walked over to see if the library was open yet (7:59 A.M.); it wasn't. I then turned to go back to the cafeteria, walked over, and put my hand on the door. As I did so, one of the coaches started yelling at us to go to the mezzanine and come into the cafeteria through the back door. Why? I haven't the slightest fucking clue.
-I've been at this school for almost 3 weeks now. I've found Sequpyah's environment to be stifling, unwelcoming, incredibly restrictive, and the staff and policy to be borderline abusive with students, However, I have found this place to be a good environment in which to do little exercises like this. The best time is on the bus. Throughout the day, I find that I can only get away with jotting down a note or two before finding that I've missed something [in class]. The exceptions that I've found, thusfar, are Algebra 2, U.S. History near the last 1/3 of the class, and lunch. Also, if I were so inclined, Business Law could be used for this purpose. I find that being more restricted makes this task all the more desirable. I'm hoping this is a good thing.
-I thought I'd record this date for later, 2 days ago Mr. Bancroft announced to the class that I got a perfect score on his quiz. Directly after this, a large number of guys behind me started making fun of me. So, just in case this persists throughout the year, the date it started is 08/19/09.

Dreams- Disgust

2009-08-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

08/22/09
Last night I had a dream that my me, my mom, my step-dad, and my sister were standing around in the kitchen. My mom had the freezer open and was holding my sister. She then put my sister in the freezer, closed it, then I opened it back up. She tried to close it again but I wouldn't let her, then I tried to pull my sister out of the freezer, but my mom wouldn't let me. She said my sister liked it. Then, I attempted to get her out again and this time either me or my mom (I can't remember) pulled her out and she was covered with ice, like snow. My mom was saying that it was just from the freezer and was nothing to worry about. I, on the other hand, had taken my sister and started blowing hot air from my mouth on her head and rubbed it with my hand to try and get some of the frost off of her head which I knew let out most of her body heat.
The night before that, I had dreamt that my mom was trying to kill me and was slowly slipping into a state of insanity where she was inching closer to trying to kill me. I knew this, and had stabbed her with a butter knife in the kitchen area. I then ran away and suddenly I was in the same setting that a few other dreams of mine have taken place in. It was the area below my house at lake Arrowhead, only there were hills and much more running area. Also, the grass was covered with overgrowth, rather than there being a golf course. In the dream, I was running away after unsuccessfully killing my step-dad and mom. They were following me, and suddenly my step-dad was somebody else who was closing in on me. I had only a pair of scissors while he and my mother had other, better melee weapons. Somehow Riddick from The Chronicles of Riddick was there and he said I was pathetic, having only a pair of scissors. At this time, he threw me a second pair of scissors and I can't remember anything else in the dream.
A while back I had a dream where I was going to the beach with, I think, Nanny, my cousins, and possibly other people. We got close to the beach and had to continue on foot. The beach was essentially an incline that went down to a flat area that touched the water. I was running down to get to the water. It took a long time, and when I got down to the water, the weather had shown signs of creating a storm. I was then forced to go back up the hill to escape the rising tide and bad weather. It was so beautiful that it was painful to leave behind. If only I could articulate the dream... but i can't.
Perhaps months ago, I had a dream where there was a lake that was massive in size. It was similar, in a way,to something you'd see in a video game. The lake, or ocean, was encircled by land on 3 sides. Most of the dream I was going back and forth between areas of the land. I think I was looking for something or doing something, but I can't remember what. Dad was there. It was, also, one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. In the dream, I was completely free and I was going along the water, I think, in some kind of vehicle (Possible a Jetski or something that flew).
I had a dream in which I was at the Lake Arrowhead house and a bear was on the loose in the area. I heard a noise outside and, after opening the blinds, realized that the bear was almost at my slide door window eating something. I then ran upstairs, as the bear broke through the glass and attempted to chase me. I opened and then closed and locked the door in the hallway that opened into the stairway. I then woke my mom up immediately and told her loudly and commandingly that we need to leave, right now. My mom, not really believing me of course (this i think has significance in the dream), reacted only after hearing the bear and after a moment of me explaining what was happening.She grabbed Aurora as I grabbed car keys and my shoes which were nearby. We then ran out to the car and, after having some difficulty getting the car to start, left the house only to discover that Ken (or some other man) was following us and was intent on killing us. The rest of the dream is vague to me, and I mention it, because I no-tice that quite a bit of my dreams in the past and present have involved the house at Lake Arrowhead and that in most of these dreams I'm defending my family against some kind of external force that is trying to kill us. In these dreams, there are often bits in which I am required to drive and there's always a problem with the car that nearly kills me.

Lately my dreams have been increasingly disturbing, and I fear that this constant stream of homicidal images and actions in my dreams could some day spill out into reality. I, of course, would never perform such an act on my family in ANY way. But the question remains: Why am I having these dreams, and why, like most of my dreams, is there a common thread in the story that seems like an almost continuous nightmare continuing where it left off the night or week before?

08/19/09 (8:20 A.M.)

2009-08-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

-That was trippy. I was in the library reading "Brave New World" when I noticed the time was 8:12. This is 3 minutes before the bell rings for us to go to class so I decided to packup a little early. As the bell rang, I walked to the library computer at the main desk and signed out. After I had signed out, as I walked through the exit way a few feet from the door, I heard a voice from behind. Someone said, "Nick?". I turned around and, after a moment of shock, surprise, and partial recognition, I realized that Jessica (from my French 2 class) was standing there, shorter haired, and not wearing her usual Jewish star necklace. We talked briefly in which time I asked her when she got here; I then explained that I had come to Sequoyah this year after moving. She went left somewhere to get something to eat and I went to my locker. Thaw was a very odd occurrence.
-I'm now sitting in U.S. History. It's 10:38 A.M. At the end of Chemistry, Ms. Meeks gave us "Progress Reports" that told us how well we did on the Chapter 1 test. I looked at mine; my eyes went first from the 73 average to my name to the 44 test grade at the bottom of the half-page. Unless by some miracle the test was designed entirely differently from my impression when taking it, then there must have been a scantron error. I'm going to ask Ms. Meeks at the start or end of class tomorrow about it; there's no way I got a 44. She also said that if you failed then you'd have to work something out with her; she, additionally, said that she'd call people up tomorrow if they made below a 75%.
-In lunch Cynthia was really worried about her Latin test and spent most of the period attempting to study. I found that I could not comfort her other than by using my odd sense of humor to make her laugh, although I'm not sure if this helped or was simply annoying. I also tried to help her with the grammar, although I can't be sure of the accuracy of what I was saying. As we left the cafeteria, I said, "good luck", and then went into the 1200 hall off to Business Law.
-I wondered in Chemistry today how the scientific community reacts when a non-scientist makes a major discovery and forsakes their typical, standard methods for problem solving.

08/17/09 (Bancroft) 9:15 A.M.

2009-08-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

-I finished my Lit. homework in the cafeteria before school officially started. All of the school clocks were turned off so I stayed in the cafeteria until the bell rang for us to go to our lockers. I doubt Cynthia's here today. Last night her status on myspace was "sick and feels like shit". So I guess I'll be serving lunch detention alone today; not having to do so would be a pleasant surprise. I'm still unsure where to go for this detention.
-On 8/14/09 I left after 4th period bell to go to my locker- Cynthia went with me. After I was done at my locker, we went to Cynthia's locker. After she was finished, we started walking through the 1200 hall towards the cafeteria. When passing the stairway, we were called back by a teacher or administrator (blond, i think, female, on her period) and given detention slips. We then told her that we were going to lunch and she said "Doesn't matter. You shouldn't have been late to lunch. It's just like any other period". We said fine and, angrily, walked away again towards the lunch room. She called s back a second time and told us that we were to fill out the slips there. Cynthia, while filling out her form, said repeatedly negative things live "Ahh I hate this school. Sequoyah sucks". The blond woman then gave her a look as she took someone else's form even though she was already holding Cynthia's. After she had signed my slip she tore off the top copy and kept the 2 carbon copies, me and Cynthia then stormed off towards the library (this is where we were actually going. Cynthia had Latin homework that required looking up an article online). I jokingly and seriously, said that it would be just perfect if they told us that we could not go in because we didn't have passes to enter the library. Exactly this happened, and, after I asked a quick question about attaining passes, we backtracked to the cafeteria which is parallel to the library. We went inside, went to our usual table, and set our stuff down angrily as we explained what happened to Jackie, Francis, and their friend.
-Going to U.S. History in a few minutes. I'm preparing for the impending cold and laughter of the period. I'm about done with the introduction chapters of Brave New World so maybe I'll do that in lunch detention.
*Note: While we were standing there, clumsily filling out detention slips while holding books, the bitch actually stopped a guy who had registered 2 days previously who was trying to find the cafeteria. She told him that he should've had a pass and gave him detention. This is the second time in my first 2 weeks at Sequoyah that I've gotten into trouble for nothing.
-I didn't pass or see Cynthia on the way to 3rd period (U.S. History). I think it's safe to conclude that I won't be seeing her today. Damn.
-To my delightful surprise, Cynthia was in Lit. After 4th period, we went to lunch detention together, then lunch. I noticed that the attending teacher in 2203 (the lunch detention room) openly mocked one of the students. He was there for not being prepared for class- twice. I also noticed that, once the detention had ended and we were being led to the stairway, in us passing, one of the teachers mocked us by saying "What are you all doing being so late to class?"- it was obvious that this was open sarcasm and not confusion or stupidity. This makes me wonder how commonly hateful remarks are thrown onto the students from the staff.
*I replied to this bitch, while talking to Cynthia, just as we were about to enter the lunch room. I loudly stated "Yes, we're terrible terrible children." in as sarcastic a tone as I could muster. I'd had enough of this bullshit already. I suggest that when I reflect on this, I do so by remembering the carelessness and disrespect of the staff at Sequoyah. It's appalling and obvious and it's, in a way, just as disgusting as the apathy shown by the teachers at Teasley (my former middle school in Canton).
-On the bus now, and I realize that the only time I get fresh air and sky is in transit. (Going to and from school.) This has been true for some years now.

08/13/09

2009-08-17T20:42:00.001-07:00

-Yesterday a girl in my Business Law class stormed out of the classroom. She has been scolded by Mr. Johnson first for typing, to finish her assignment, during a discussion, then for opening a book and preparing to read it. Mr. Johnson asked her to come into the hallway. She began to get her stuff and logout; she then said in a very cartmenesque manner to Mr. Johnson's statement that she didn't have to log off and bring her stuff "I do what I want". She then attempted to leave the classroom. Mr. Johnson put his hand on the door. He told her that she's not leaving, to which she replied "You're not my father. Let me go". He said "okay" and the assistant to one of the, I guess, special ed students offered to follow her and get someone to fetch the renegade.
-Monday, my locked jammed as I was attempting to get stuff before I went to the buses to leave.
-Today, in literature, we got into the topic of discussing what success is. This came after reading 2 poems by the 1st American poet. 4 football players and a cheerleader were on the verge of ire when Ms. Wills said that, perhaps, being a football player and making money (Millions) wasn't success. One of the players "explained" that it was success because you were at the top of the field of sports. 2 others were discussing how, yes, true happiness is making lots of money and "getting" girls. I saw, after Ms. Will's 1 comment, a sudden revealing of a good majority of my classmates, and how stupid they really are. It had been reinforced throughout the class by our main topic of discussion: Puritans & Christianity. Ms. Wills talked about how cute it was that her daughter came home singing "Jesus Loves Me". The entire lesson surrounded discussions of God and Heaven. I'm already worried that the entire class/ year may center around this topic. The thought of this makes me ill.
-Cynthia told me yesterday that after I'd left Linnea's on Saturday, Linnea's mom had said to Linnea "You guys are such a cute couple". Linnea hasn't called me since.
*As I'm writing this (on 08/17/09) This last fact remains true. I think I'll call her tomorrow if no interruptions prevent me from doing so.

08/10/09 (8:31) A.M. Sequoyah

2009-08-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

-Got up; showered; drank frapuccino.
-Went to school; Went to cafeteria for 10 minutes to wait.
-At 8:00, I went to the library to finish some work.
-At 8:17 I left the library and went into the 1100 hall. Walking to my locker I was stopped by a teacher and came to the side of the hallway. He told me to put down my backpack and empty it. He took the backpack, after asking if there was anything else inside. He didn't tell me where I could get it back so I asked him. He said I could get it back at the office after school. What better fucking way to start my first Monday morning then by being greeted with "Hey, you..."
-Cynthia's absent today. Don't know what to do since I know, so far, her & Demarcus. So when 1 friend is absent, it's a bitter inconvenience. I've noticed that this school has far more limited freedom than Cherokee, but assholes still prevail without admonishment.
-Took a quiz in science, went over U.S. objectives in U.s. History, and in Am. Lit. we read and I formed a loose binder for now. Nothing fairly exciting to report.

08/05/09

2009-08-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

-2nd day at Sequoyah
-School's surprisingly easy to navigate.
-I miss our lunch group though.
-Word list has been continued on the previous page & I intend to expand & work on it in my moments of boredom and tedium.
-They've taken caffeinated coke out of the machines. I think I'll have to make a habit of buying from the coffee shop daily.
-Need to practice Japanese more frequently.
-I think once I've updated the word list on my computer and defined them that I will start writing again in school.
-Yesterday went surprisingly well. I didn't enter any wrong classes and wasn't late.
Something has to be done about lunch though. Yesterday I had Cynthia, Demarcus, Francis, & Joanna at my table. That also went surprisingly well.
-I'm hoping today I can reach all of my classes without to much reliance on the map.